if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
