I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
