There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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