There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
