I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
