Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
