remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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