I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
