He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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