Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
