new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
