Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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