Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
