I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
