just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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