she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
