question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
