i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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