I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
