the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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