i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
