dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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