Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
