how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
