god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
