About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Randomize
