Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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