good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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