I hope mine doesn't look like that
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
