I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i wish my penis had a tongue
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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