His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
