I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
