I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
