You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
