she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
