I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize