you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
