Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
