Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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