I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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