the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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