I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
