she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize