it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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