I just threw up on my dentist
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
