handjob tips. give me some.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
