i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
