I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
