i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
