Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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