There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
