Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
two words...techno handjob
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
