why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
