did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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