Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Randomize
