I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
