I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just pee around me
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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